


5 Times the Inquisitor Set Things On Fire (and the One Time She Wanted To)

by earthboundUtopian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Description of an Anxiety attack in a chapter, Dorian is the Mom Friend, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Five Times x and 1 time Not, Gen, Inquisitor/Cullen but its more of a background thing about how they interact, i love those, only a few though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:29:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7215097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthboundUtopian/pseuds/earthboundUtopian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My Inquisitor, Neri Lavellan, has zero self control and gets angry 100% of the time. These are her stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Time Commander Cullen Wouldn't Listen

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've ever posted on the Internet, so please be nice. Constructive criticism is not only allowed but encouraged. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

“Commander—”

Neri had been arguing with him for what had felt like eternity at this point. Most of the argument was non-verbal, found in the twist of her hips, pointing away from him in annoyance; it was found in a downward curve of his lips as he stared, completely nonplussed; it was found in the red tones coming to the surface of her skin in frustration at his complete inability to listen to her speak and apparent need to cut her off every time.

They were both stubborn, both stuck in their ways and up their asses about their morals surrounding the Mage-Templar war. It made sense given that he was an ex-Templar and she’d been wielding magic since she could remember. She’d been given the final choice, after all, and she couldn’t avoid the fact that she was partial to the mages, sympathetic to being left all alone with no one who wouldn’t attack you on sight. Being a mage meant that she was cast out herself, and being Dalish meant that she knew being shunned in cities more than anyone else.

“You would let wolves into our den because you want us to give them a chance? We cannot afford to take chances at this point, Herald!” Cullen was enraged. She had endangered them all over a bit of sympathy for those who wanted nothing more than to see them slaughtered.

Cullen had been trying to change, trying to see how one could trust the rebel mages. He wanted to trust the Herald more than anything. He wanted to trust that she’d made the right choice. But when it came down to it, he couldn’t see past his old views. The mages couldn’t be trusted, not so close with so much to lose.

“Commander, I—”

“And what would happen if one of these mages were to become possessed? With no Templars on hand, would you do the honor of dealing with their outburst, with the fact that they could destroy everything we’ve worked so hard for?” Cullen knew he was hitting her in the worst way, beating at her inability to protect them. He wanted her to know that he shared those fears, deep down, but instead it raised her even closer to him, making her upset at his accusations.

“I just—”

“I respect you, Herald, but we cannot allow them to join us as free allies.”

Enslavement was the only other option, they both knew. The idea didn’t appeal to either of them, having seen firsthand what it was like to be a circle mage and how indoctrinated most were to the circle lifestyle. Cullen thought the lifestyle was worth putting up with to keep everyone safe. Neri knew that it was torturous, seeing as how several in her clan had been put into and broken out of circles and she’d easily cut down Templars tracking them her whole life.

“Cullen.” Neri spoke finally. He quickly went silent upon the sound of his name, the sound of it from her lips foreign to his ears. She watched him straighten his back almost as if he were a soldier under her rather than an advisor who had overstepped a boundary. She hadn’t intended to sound so commanding, so much like she was above him. She wasn’t above him. They were equals, able to argue over whether her choices were viable, able to look each other deeply in the eyes and not feel guilty when their argument felt more like bonding, more like flirting than actually fighting.

But that didn’t fix the anger filling her, it didn’t stop her body from heating up in a way that was different than she wanted, in a way that would turn their argument away from rage.

It took a moment for her to calm the rage in her stomach enough to speak. She felt the heat flooding to her fingertips and threatening to release itself. Cullen waited patiently, completely still as she breathed and tried to control herself. She wondered for a moment if his Templar training meant he could feel the magic pooling as she tried to breath as her Keeper taught her. She never took to that lesson very well.

“You need to respect my decision. We’ve gone over this more times than I could count and you left the final choice to me. I would appreciate if you would not rebuke this ability.”

“But Herald, you don’t understand—”

“Cullen!” The word came out a bark this time as sparks came from her hand against her will. She had always hated that phrase. It threw her over an edge, the phrase burning up the gunpowder in her veins. She felt the rage burning away from her body, concentrating in her hands and flying off of them, trying to release it before she would burn herself out trying to contain it.

She practically felt them hit the wooden floor and begin to flame, her anger being ironically drenched by the reality of her loss of control. She stepped away, stomping out the small fire that had formed at her feet. Cullen looked astounded, mouth slightly agape. He’d never seen a mage that would act so freely towards him, never seen a mage who would curb their destructive tendencies after they’d already started rather than beforehand. The smell of smoke lingered in his nose, alongside a slight taste of ash on his tongue in a way that he recognized as coming from the scent rather than the actual fire itself.

“My apologies, Commander. I fear that if I continue this discussion, the entire Chantry will go up in flames. My choice is final. If you must put safeguards in place, run them past Leliana. Maybe she’ll talk some sense into you.” Neri spoke with a calm sense of finality. She projected her outward calm as she put her hands behind her back to hide the vigorous shaking from emotion.

“Of course, Herald.” He gave in with a quick bow and it took mere seconds before Neri took off in any other direction so she could let her emotions out healthily. Cullen watched her go as he cursed under his breath, seeing the flames still sitting on her fingertips.


	2. The Time Belledame Almost Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Two. Not the best, but I wrote it to get through some writers block.  
> Neri loves her horse (a fake breed I made up accidentally, by confusing the Dalish All-Bred and the Green Dales Feral) more than she loves anyone else.

Fear had been a daily affair with her. She felt it every moment, it permeated every part of her being, every part of her life. She was the Inquisitor and had to live on edge or else fall prey to the many plots against her. Or at least that had been what Leliana had told her.

But this fear was different. It wasn’t for herself or her future.

It was for her mare.

“Belledame!” She shouted, flinging a spell at the rogue Templar who brandished his sword at her. She didn’t want to burn down the whole Graves, but a small part of her mind didn’t care. Her only interest was in the Dalish Feral she’d loved and making sure that the idiot who wanted to hurt her got his comeuppance.

She had fallen in love with the mare upon first sight, taking in Bella as a child that she’d never had. She would give everything to keep Bella safe. Bella was everything to her, everything the Inquisition would give her, everything she could ever hope for. 

She bonded with Bella in the same way as any other Dalish would bond with a Halla, a sign to herself that she could never go back to her clan no matter her fate. She accepted her fate freely so long as she was able to take Bella riding across the plains, through the wastes, and anywhere else she desired to go. Without Bella she would have nothing, it would destroy her. She would be lost, violent, and have no other method of transportation—it would all seem pointless without her mare.

She saw the blade absorb the spell she’d thrown and sink into her mare’s side. In that moment, all her control was lost. She fade stepped to the mare in a moment and sunk the blade of her staff deep into the throat of the Templar. Her rage towards him was uncontainable, beating him violently and casting every spell on his body as he stayed barely alive, held in the plane by her magic alone.

She drained her mana with anger, until she had nothing left and her rage was sufficiently dealt with.

She smelled smoke.

The blood was dripping down her mare’s side and the entire world seemed to disappear around her. She didn’t care about Dorian coming over the crest of the hill and watching the line in which she’d run burn out into the area around it.

Neri was busy rummaging through her mind to find anything she could remember that her Keeper had taught her about healing. There was nothing there, as she hadn’t paid attention. The curse words flew off of her lips as if of their own accord as Neri tried to put pressure on the wound, blood soaking through her hands, warm and sticky.

“Bella, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you. These damnable cloaked Templars, ugh!” She muttered. The mare seemed to understand the woman’s frustration as she leaned into her hand and turned her head to breath on Neri’s head. It seemed to the Inquisitor like the mare was showing that she was still alive—still breathing. Or that she could smell the smoke and was trying to get her attention.

Neri sighed as she pet the mare’s face but then was forced to take a breath in and the smell hit her. She spun on her heels to see Dorian attempting to wrangle the fire that had spread several yards wide and threatened to begin climbing up the trees that marked the deaths of her people in the Exalted March.

In shock, she quickly calmed the flames, lessening them until Dorian successfully put them out, ice magic flinging to and fro in any attempt to quell the flames threatening to burn the ancient graves of her ancestors that she had momentarily forsaken.

“All of this over a mare, Inquisitor?”

“I don’t appreciate your attitude, Dorian.”

“But what would you do without it?” He beamed, shooting her a glamorous smile. She simply smiled and sighed in response.

“Burn down a forest, apparently. Come on, Bella needs to go to a healer now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, all commentary will be appreciated. Treat my Quizzy nicely, please.


	3. The Time the Nightmare Insulted Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for a Main Questline and also featuring my Hawke and her cute chantry bf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Three  
> Spoiler warning 2.0  
> I mean, only a little bit of spoilers, but enough to matter.

“In the Fade, what do you mean in the Fade?” Hawke questioned beside her. Syicia Hawke seemed panicked and her Warden, Alistair, wasn’t any better. They were looking at each other with confusion in their eyes, one upside down and the other sideways.

“What in the world…?” He was awestruck, but in a way that made him seemed panicked. Neri, however, felt a sense of familiarity. Like she had been here before. She tried to figure out only to feel an acute pain in the back of her skull. Her memories were hanging right behind her eyes, obscured just enough that she still couldn't remember quite what had happened. It seemed like the place she was in should trigger something, anything. All it caused was her growing headache.

“Last time I was here, it was a golden room filled with divine chocolates.” Dorian remarked with a smirk, mind lost in his memory as he tried to avoid the reality in front of him.

“You were dreaming then. This the fade… without the impact of your mind or anything we can change. We’re here physically.” Neri spoke calmly. “We’re physically in Fade.”

“That hasn’t been done since the ancient magisters.” Dorian complained.

“Well, you know me. I always have to break everyone’s records.” Neri sounded far away, anxious and clearly not thinking straight. The comment came with a smile, one filled with faux pride, at the cost of the anxiety running through her veins. It wasn't a usual anxiety, on edge for what others would think. It was dull and all encompassing.

“Boss, I think we could have left this one alone.” Bull inserted. He didn’t seem afraid, just mildly put off by the situation.

Then Cole began to scream.

“I can’t slip through—I shouldn’t be here. I’m too heavy, too much. Why am I here? I don’t understand.” He yelled, the panic obvious in his voice. Neri’s eyes darted to him.

“Cole, darling.” She quickly moved to his side, placing her hands on his shoulders, “We’ll get you out of here.” He seemed to calm at the pressure on his shoulders, eyes refocusing several times. He couldn’t focus on her, or on anything. The Fade was too real. It was a physical place for the second time in all of history. The two of them looked in each others eyes, focusing on the light blue behind wisps of light blonde, wide with terror slowly dropping back to their normal place. Neri's eyes held a forceful kindness in them, a fierce protection for the spirit. Despite their essence of dark blue, fire was in them, burning away at all of Cole's fears.

“We can’t stay here forever. We should get a move on.” Alistair suggested after an awkward moment of silence.

“How do you suppose we get out of here?” Syicia berated him.

“We came in through a rift, we should be able to get out the same way.”

Everything went downhill from there. A spirit who resembled the divine, nightmares, tiny spiders of fear that released your fear when killed, spirits holding her memories captive. Through everything, Neri kept her spirits high. She knew that if she could survive getting through the Fade once, then surely she could do again. She focused her mind on the path ahead and where she was materializing her magic from if it normally came from the Fade anyway. They moved quickly ahead, making record time on getting out of the terrible land they were trapped in. But as soon as they made too much of an impression, the Nightmare demon started to speak to them.

“Dorian is that you? I almost mistook you for your father.”

“Well, that’s a low blow.” Dorian scoffed, the tone not showing as much displeasure as the scowl on his face that said thousands of words about the terror and hatred of being compared to his father. His feelings hidden from the monster, the Nightmare, it moved on to an easier target, trying to get its reaction.

“You and I are one in the same, Spirit.”

“No.” Cole simply responded, letting the idea slip off of him. He was spirit enough that the idea moved away, sticking only in a dark corner he could ignore until a later date.

“Did you think it mattered, Hawke? Anything you did mattered? You won’t leave anything behind when you die, Hawke. They’ll all forget you as soon as you’re gone. You will die and Alistair will be helpless and alone.”

“Maker, I hope they forget me. With the shit I’ve done, they’d be better off.” Hawke joked, running her shoulder into Alistair’s. It was obvious in their smiles to one another that they knew of her joking manner, knew that her fear was real, but could find in each other the hope they needed to keep it from hurting them.

Neri was never as good as the three of them at hiding, losing or joking away her feelings.

“He’ll never love you the way you love him; he told you so himself. You’ll destroy him as you do everyone else.”

“Go fuck yourself.” Neri breathed. She knew immediately it was aimed towards her; it was a demon that thrived off of fears they’d tucked away long ago. She hoped the demon would ignore her, to take her disrespect as all he could get. He, however, had different ideas.

“A reaction? How sweet of you. I’ll treasure your gift more than any of your ‘companions’ ever treasured theirs.”

The fear snaked into her mind, burrowing there. She knew she had feared that Cullen would drop her at a moment’s notice, that her friends—only seeing themselves as followers—found her gifts to them as intrusive, like she was trying too hard to impress them. Neri tried not to let those fears stop her. She wanted to love without fear and to not wonder if her friends hated her every moment. She tried to repress any further reaction, so as to not give any fuel to the beast.

“You shut your filthy mouth, you bastardized mistake of a demon!” She failed dramatically. Her rage quickly filled every part of her being, in a defensive way that could only be taught through experience of reacting to your fears, as she’d only recently begun to experience.

Her skin burned to the touch, as Dorian found out when he laid a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her. A smell of burning rocks filtered through the air and Hawke was the first to shout as she noticed Neri slowly sinking, centimeter by centimeter.

“Uhm, Inquisitor?”

“What!” Neri shouted more than she asked.

“I don’t mean to alarm you, but you seem to be melting the ground.” Hawke remained unfazed at Neri’s rage filled glare as daggers flew her way. She looked down to find that Hawke was right. At her feet was a ring of rock brought to a high enough temperature that it turned borderline molten under her.

“Calm down there, Hothead.” Bull said, borderline affectionately.

Once again, Neri tried the breathing exercises that had never worked in the past, praying that for once they would actually work. She breathed in and out, trying to count to eight as she breathed in and out and fill her mind with numbers instead of rage. It worked to a point, distracting her from the need to destroy something.

“You’ll destroy everything like that, Inquisitor. Inquisitor… what a strange title for someone who could destroy the whole Inquisition with a single spark.” The Nightmare chuckled.

“Hell, I could do the same.” Dorian said with a sigh, trying to find a way to reassure her without his usual comforting touches. “That’s nothing to be proud of—or ashamed, as you please.” Dorian’s words calmed her, the look of total disdain on his face as if he couldn’t believe he even had to say such a thing it was so obvious making her smile slightly as she felt the anger and distrust dissipate from her.

“Why is it every time you light something on fire, I have to be the one to clean it up?” Dorian questioned with a frown. Neri shrugged, moving on as she spotted another lost spirit taken by the Nightmare. She could drown her rage in helping others, but the self-doubt she held could only be soothed by the murder of the beast who planted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate you reading this far into my self-indulgent story. Be nice to my Quizzy and I'll love you forever. ;*


	4. The Time She Had a Panic Attack in the Wastes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title pretty much says it all. Neri has a panic attack and everything goes wrong, as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of a panic attack as I experience them warning  
> Also, Dorian is my baby.

No one knew. She’d made sure that no one knew. She never wanted anyone to hold it against her, or pity her, or find it within themselves to restrain her activities because of a stupid detail she couldn’t control. But sitting in the middle of the desert, crying for no reason, it was hard to hide it.

She had run from the camp when she felt it starting. The shortness of breath. Her head beat with her pulse and her eyes felt hot. She looked rapidly around with no reason to feel so afraid.

She never had any real reason to be afraid.

She always had reasons, her impending doom, the destruction of the world coming quickly toward them, all of the responsibility of a ruler, having to make choices that could alter the future so drastically that she could easily be painted as the hero the world needed or a selfish elf that grabbed at any power she accidentally came across. But those didn't cause her heart to feel like it was going to explode outwards or that her skull was going to crack open from the pressure inside.

 _“Panic attacks don’t have a cause, love.”_ Her Keeper had said.

 _“It doesn’t make you any weaker as our Inquisitor.”_ Cullen had whispered to her when he found her sobbing in her Quarters.

 _You’re doing this over nothing and everyone will hate you for it_ , she told herself.

When things like this happened, she had no idea where she was. It was like her brain was wiped clear of all her geographical knowledge and yet she held enough to know if an area was safe to sleep in after she was done. She ended up at that stupid vendor in the Canyon, the dog barking and trying to lick her face as tears streamed down it.

 _You shouldn’t be around it. The creature has more to live for than you._ She thought. It was as if the dog could hear her thoughts, as it stopped, choosing instead to curl into her side as vicious sobs wracked her body.

A part of her knew that her companions would be worried in the morning. Cassandra would make a noise of disgust, laced with concern. Dorian would be understandingly sassy. He always knew that humor and snark was the true way to pull her from her problems.

Cole would know.

Cole could tell someone.

Her mind latched on the possibility of Cole giving her secret away, using it as fuel for her hysterics. She couldn’t let go of the idea, letting it torture her into submission as she felt herself go cold.

She went cold.

It made her nose feel strange and her eyes felt pain like crystalized needles stabbing them from behind. She shivered. The cold around her finally set in for the first time since she had arrived in the wastes that evening.  She had fire magic embedded in her blood. For her body to become cold—or regular body temperature, if you didn’t know her—was a sign that something was wrong.

“Neri?” Dorian’s voice rang through the cavern. The sound of his voice echoing reminded her that her cries resounded in the same way.

“I’m fine.” She breathed out slowly. Her tone was filled with the fluid of tears building in her throat. “Go back to camp, Dorian.”

“I surprisingly don’t believe you, Inquisitor. Come out and we can talk about this like a Tevinter mage and an elven Inquisitor.”

“I don’t need your help. I’ll be fine. Go back to the camp.” Neri repeated herself more forcefully.

“If you’re so fine, why don’t you come out and prove it to me. Don’t be scared; we all had to come out once.” Dorian laughed at his own joke for a moment before realizing that she didn’t respond and thus his trail on her voice had gone cold for the moment. “I’d say that joke was in bad taste but when has anything I’ve done ever been in bad taste?”

“Every moment of your life, Dorian.” Neri shot back, rolling her eyes. She couldn’t help herself, even as she curled tighter into a ball and desperately wiped the tears from her eyes that she couldn’t stop.

Once again on her trail, Dorian slowly made his way down the canyon, trying to crack jokes that would get any response from her. When he saw the poor girl, both of their hearts broke. For the first time, she looked small to him. Her face was tucked into her knees, curled into a ball. She was shaking violently and her skin which was usually slightly pink from overheating had a blue sheen like she was starting to get frostbite.

“Dorian, please go. You… shouldn’t see me like this. I’m… fine.”

“I’ve never been one for intervening. If you’d like, I could go get Vivie—”

“Under no circumstances are you to bring that woman anywhere near me.” Neri hissed out. Even in her delicate state, she found the energy to despise everything Vivienne stood for. And for Vivienne to see her, it would destroy every ounce of respect she had for herself.

“What’s the matter? Aren’t the two of you best friends?” Dorian’s smug smile didn’t get the head shake he expected. Normally his sarcasm would get a laugh, maybe even a gentle punch to his shoulder if he was being particularly ridiculous. He expected this to raise her spirits. Usually it did in any situation. He knew it helped deep down because in his own time of need that had been her initial reaction-since he had made sure that he was as there for her as she always seemed to be for him. Instead, Neri began babbling to herself, sending a ring of shock through him.

“I would give everything to see that witch burn. I can’t believe I let her infiltrate our forces, only to have her shove everything we’ve worked for back into a Circle so that Chantry can decide what’s best.” Neri muttered, “I won’t ever see another of those again in my life. I’ll never. I’ll never. I’ll never.”

“That wasn’t the reaction I expected, if I’m to be perfectly honest. Ugh, why am I always the one who has to deal with you when you’re emotional?” Dorian muttered, kneeling over and placing a hand on Neri’s shoulder. “Ice cold. Are you okay?” Upon feeling the warmth of Dorian’s hand, she pulled back, screaming and crying even harder. The pressure was too much, overloading her sense of touch and filling her mind with nothing but how uncomfortable she was. She couldn’t think of Dorian, of how he was trying to help, of how disappointed he looked, or how alarmed he was at her reaction.

“Don’t touch me. Please.” She begged quietly, breathing the words onto the air in her breath as cold as ice, crystallizing in the air.

“Your magic doesn’t normally materialize like this, Inquisitor. I’m very sorry, in weather like this, we can’t have you getting hypothermia.” He moved to put another hand on her as he spoke. His intention was to pick her up under her legs and carry her back to camp. There a healer could be called and she would be fine, if they were lucky.

Neri was not a lucky elf.

“I said do not touch me.” She screamed, wrist flicking instinctively to attack Dorian with a weak spell. He deflected it, on pure sleight of hand and chance. The shard of ice moved off into the distance, hitting a wall with an echoing shatter.

A shatter that rung in Neri’s ears like hysterical music notes. Too shrill for her mind. Too crashing for her eyes. Too bright. Her arms receded into herself, pressing close to her chest and covering her ears as tears slid from her eyes. The sight twanged Dorian’s heart a bit. To see such a strong woman taken down by a simple noise, it was a borderline travesty.

“Should I deal with this myself or go get one of the soldiers to come help me…?” Dorian mumbled to himself as he pondered his options, “Maker, why does this always happen to me?”

While Neri was covering her ears, cowering in fear, Dorian shoved his arms quickly under her legs and lifted up. He caught her shoulders as well and tried to ignore the screams of bloody murder coming from her lips.

“You’re half as heavy as I thought you were, Inquisitor.” Dorian mumbled in an attempt to be soothing. “I would be perfectly content to leave you there but we both know we can’t have you hurting yourself, can we?”

“Don’t take me back there, please. I can’t—they can’t see—I don’t want them to see me. They can’t.” Neri sobbed, bursts of tears wracking her body and making it hard for Dorian to keep ahold of her. He took a turn away from the camp and stared pacing in long spirals, hoping to calm her as one would a child.

“I won’t, I promise. We have to get you somewhere safe.”

“Anywhere but there, anywhere. Don’t… don’t let them see.” Neri begged, her anxiety slowly lessening with Dorian’s acceptance. She was exhausted from her crying, from the adrenaline pumping through her veins and her eyes slowly slipped closed.

“Do you normally do this to exhaustion?” Dorian asked, a frown on his face. The Inquisitor simply nodded, feeling herself slowly fall into sleep in the comfort of Dorian’s arms. She curled into herself and Dorian was able to feel her body return to her normal temperature—meaning that she was starting to make his arms heat up.

It wasn’t until he felt it start to get too hot for him to keep his grip that he noticed ash covering his sleeves. He blew on his shirt, ice coming off his breath to cool himself.

“You’ve only got two settings, don’t you? Ice or fire.”

A quick nod was all he got in response, eyes still shut and breath starting to even out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, be nice to Neri. She's just an anxious baby.


	5. The Time Her Advisers Were Insufferable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cue a different kind of argument, not dominated by one person but three.  
> Everyone chooses to listen to the Inquisitor, despite how much they hate to admit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could call it a bit of spoilers for one particular quest, but its a sidequest that doesn't really impact much so I'd say it's pretty safe. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.

“Honestly, you can’t send every mission to the assassins. Not every problem can be solved by murder.” Cullen groaned. His hand rested on his forehead, fingers rubbing his temples gently to take away his headache.

“Oh yes, we’ll just burn their homes down instead!” Josephine shot back. Her words were like razors in comparison to their usual honey.

“Josie, you’re one to talk. Oh wait, that’s all you ever do. Take the long way around. Until the problem grows so big that no one can destroy it. We have to deal with this eventually and I don’t understand why we can’t just do it the easiest way.” Leliana was the first to raise her voice, as usual.

 “Murder is immoral!”

“We need the job done quickly! We don’t have all day.”

The three had been arguing in circles for what felt like eternity, but the light growl of Neri’s stomach argued that it had only been a few hours. Temptation to dismiss the meeting curled within her, yet she knew the Red Templars and darkspawn on the Coast had to be dealt with. She'd hoped it would be a quick meeting. But like any other meeting between her advisers, it was riddled with arguments over the best method of attacking the problem. It always came down to her vote; it was just a matter of how long it took to get there considering that each adviser seemed to want to give every possible point of view on each method.

“Listen, I just need someone to scout it out so I can get in there.” Neri interjected. She sat silently as her input was outright ignored.

If Neri was being honest with herself, she usually wouldn't be listening to them. It wasn't that she made a habit of ignoring her advisers as much as it was already a habit of hers to ignore people who were arguing for no other reason than just to see who is better than someone else. The introspection on why that was exactly took up most of her thoughts as the three stubborn adults bickered before her.

She figured it was a bit hypocritical of her to be perfectly okay with ignoring others but to get so frustrated when others ignored her. She also figured that she would simply accept it if anyone were to actually call her out for it. Of course the only person who would do that would probably be Sera, but she had the same problem anyway, not that anyone und—

"What do you think, Inquisitor?" Josephine's voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"On the morals of murder?" She asked with a hint of nervousness. She hoped they hadn't moved on to another subject while she wasn't listening.

"Murders that don't even apply to this situation, might I add. I'm simply advising we slip in and out. There's no need to alert them to our presence." Leliana countered what Neri could only assume was a previously mentioned point by the knowing look in Leliana's eyes.

"You risk the lives of your men if they're found!" Josephine pitched.

“Yet Cullen’s men don’t? Nor do the men of whatever Lord you will call upon? My men know the risks as well as any. They signed up for the Inquisition with that knowledge.” Leliana countered.

“My men don’t risk everything in order to creep behind enemy lines. They’ll simply cause a distraction. They wouldn’t hesitate to offer their lives for the Herald of Andraste if asked, but they wouldn’t have to do so.” Cullen was responded to with two small groans and a smirk.

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Commander. This is an important matter.” Neri lied. The flattery settled in her stomach comfortably after a moment of fluttering around. She liked the idea of anyone who would get hurt being fine with it, but anyone who would go was in that position, so it was a moot point, “Anyway, I already made my decision a long time ago.”

“You… what?” Josephine was the only one able to stutter out a response through the confusion in the room.

“We haven’t decided that I’m the final choice in this matter yet? I thought it was an unspoken rule.” Neri stated coolly, “If you all each have wildly different ideas, I get the final vote.”

“That is how it normally ends up, doesn’t it?”

Neri nodded quickly in response.

“Then what are we going to do?” Cullen asked.

“Leliana is right. It’s best to see what we’re getting ourselves into first. Her scouts are talented and I expect her to only send her very best so we have the best chance at getting information.”Neri gave Leliana a pointed look, given a nod of acknowledgement in return. “I won’t be able to go out there until after I go by Solasan again. Thus, I don’t want to have to draw out a conflict we can hold off until it can be dealt with promptly. I swore I told you all that but I could understand how you all wouldn’t have heard me beyond all of your bickering like children.”

“We don’t bicker, Inquisitor. We debate our options.” Cullen said, his voice lowered like a scolded child.

“Yes, that’s what I heard. Debating options by attacking each other? We’ll never get anything done if we’re not united. It makes for dissent in the ranks. Our men can tell when you’ve been fighting. And they attack each other. Cole had to steal everyone’s knives so they wouldn’t stab each other last week in a drunken brawl.”

“The spirit?” Leliana asked.

“Yes, Cole.” Neri emphasized. “But that’s unimportant. What matters is that we come together just once. This isn’t even an important matter. So what if they have one corner of the coast? We just need to be able to agree on one thing for once. Maybe we could make some progress then.”

Everything was silent for a moment as everyone took in her speech. Speeches like that were why everyone believed in her as Inquisitor. She was nothing if not convincing and a wonderful speaker.

“I suppose that is a good point.” Josephine was the first to relent.

Silence continued after that, waiting until the other two would make a movement to agree. Neri’s eyes bore into Cullen’s forehead as his eyes rested on the hilt of his sword. Her focus was entirely on him. He would be the last to give in, she knew, if he would agree at all. But she needed his agreement more than anything. Josephine would always agree, it was her diplomatic side. Leliana commanded such a small group of spies that dealt in secrets and information, her agreement would come for the better of her agents. Cullen commanded the largest group of soldiers who ran a rumor mill that could spread dissent quicker than the fastest of Leliana's spies. Combine that with his stubbornness and you had a potentially dangerous way for the Inquisition to crumble.

"Uhm, Inquisitor?" Leliana caught her attention.

Neri dragged her eyes away from the Commander to meet Leliana's eyes. They quickly darted down to her hand where it rested on the corner of the map.

A handprint burned into the wood on the table and straight through the map. She jerked her hand up, cradling her hand in its partner. The smell of charred wood drifted through the air.

Leliana laughed under her breath, and Cullen finally looked up from his sword.

“My apologies. We didn’t need South-West Orlais anyway.” Neri chuckled nervously, “So Cullen, Leliana? What do you think? Do you promise to at least attempt to not argue every five seconds?”

“Of course, Inquisitor.” Leliana bowed her head slightly as a small smile curved the edges of her lips. Neri smiled in return as her eyes drifted back to Cullen. Their eyes met and Neri watched the intent behind them to argue flicker past for just a moment. A single blink later, Neri was too focused on trying to change his mind as though she could just by looking at him to hear him mutter a quick, “Whatever you say, Inquisitor.”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I said, I will follow your orders to the word, Inquisitor. If you wish for peace, you will have it.”

She lit up, her cheeks turning a dusty pink. She felt her entire body go warm as the smile spread across her face. It sounded like a promise, something he swore on his own life and would keep things civil, not make everything a competition, make sure that she didn't go out of her mind every time she was called to a War Room meeting. Inside of her hands, still cradled together, a small flames sparked to life.

"Good." Neri finally spoke, and she pulled another job out of the pile for Josephine and Cullen to decide over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All criticism is appreciated. Neri loves you, so be kind to her.


	6. The Time She Played Wicked Grace to Her Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the one time Neri wants to burn everything to the ground but CANNOT DO SO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.  
> Spoilers for Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts.  
> (Chapter Title is a reference to Josephine saying "Orlesian court is like a game of Wicked Grace played to the death" and I'm bad at titles)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this in the midst of a panic attack while playing this quest so it's not really the best, but it is what inspired this entire piece in the first place. Sorry about a little self-indulgence with Neri, because she romanced Cullen and when I was playing I talked to him to calm me down every few minutes.  
> Wrote this because of that.  
> Enjoy!

She hated even breathing the same air as these people, despite that she found herself not willing to breathe at all. Breathing might ignite the fire burning through her veins threatening to burn the entire palace to the ground. Running down the hallway and into the ballroom, she headed directly for the person who she knew could ground her if only for a moment.

“Commander?” Neri asked, squeezing between two nobles who immediately began to ask her for a refill on their drinks as if she were a servant. She ignored them, focusing entirely on the man in front of her.

“Inquisitor. Did you need something?” Cullen seemed relieved to see her, to see any familiar face.

“I just wanted to check in. You seemed to have gathered a small following.” She chuckled as she looked at the women and men openly gawking at him. She was able to see them through eyes wide with distress. Cullen shrugged, taking her glance around with wide eyes to be a look of suffering similar to what he was feeling.

“True, but it makes it impossible to get anything done.”

“Do you not like the attention?”

“Not at all. After all,” he coughed slightly and lowered his voice, “Yours is the only attention worth having.”

“How sweet.” She responded, feeling her heart beat faster in a good way. It almost put off the uneven beating of her heart caused by pure panic.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself, anyway. Twisting the entire court around your fingertips.”

“Quite the opposite. I feel awkward and I have successfully had four separate panic attacks since I arrived here. How do the nobles keep from getting lost in this place? It's like a maze.” She said with a sense of wonder to hide the desperation in her voice.

“Four?”

“Four.”

“Maker, how are you even still standing?” He asked, suddenly pulling her over to lean against the wall. Without the will to stop him, she was moved behind his body and shielded from the eyes of the court. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. With Cullen's body blocking all view in front of her and the curtains blocking her peripheral vision, she finally let go of the breath she'd been holding for so long.

“Josephine said not to show weakness. Imagine the things they would say.” Tears welled up in the Inquisitor’s eyes, and the Commander’s hand quickly came up to wipe them away. "Look, the Inquisitor is crying, they would say. She's supposed to fight the hole in the sky? She can't even take a simple joke. Even worse, they could assume I'm a servant for the hundredth time and say that I can't take a little criticism or something else ridiculous like the bigots they are.  Make jokes about how badly Celene treats her servants, like I'm not busting my ass to save her life."

“Remember why we’re here. You don’t need to impress them, only save Celene.”

“I know, but I just want them to know I’m here. I don’t want to be so afraid of them. I want… I want… I want to be something more than ‘that dalish girl’ to them. I’m afraid, Cullen. I'm terrified of them. They could destroy me with a few words. They don't even need a sword. I... I wish they had swords.” Neri paused her blubbering for a moment to take a deep stuttering breath before continuing, "Some of them have swords, I guess. But I don't know how to use one, Vivienne isn't here. She normally does the courtly intrigue. I need to show her more respect next time we talk. She doesn't scare me as much as she annoys me but these people are scary."

“There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. Look into my eyes.” He interrupted her blubbering. She followed his instructions, losing herself in the golden sun of his soul, “I’m terrified too.”

“But what you do here won’t affect all of Thedas, you have nothing to lose.” She shook her head and tried to shrug Cullen's hands off of her. He moved out of the way of her shrugs and eventual brushes away of his hands only to softly place them back on her shoulder and cheek.

“I’m scared for you. What would happen to the strongest person in the Inquisition if she can be crushed by a mere noble? So think about anything but that. What information have you found out?”

“Empress Celene’s occult specialist Morrigan spoke to me about going to the servants’ quarters, but anytime I leave, I get questioned when I come back. I was not made to lie, Cullen. I'm a mage. We lie and we die.”

“You’d only be gone for a moment. Our business is more important than what these Orlesians think of you, okay?” He smiled at her, his thumb gently circling just below her cheekbone as he wiped away tears steadily flowing. His other hand kneaded lightly at the nape of her neck, trying to calm her down. He couldn't tell if it was helping, but it was better to make an attempt than to leave her in such a vulnerable position.

“I know, I saw what happened if we don’t stop this. I see it all the time, every time I close my eyes. To be in a world without you, without any of us. I just… I can’t do this.”

“You can.”

“I can’t.” She repeated with more force. “I want to burn this place to the ground. I almost have every time one of these idiots asks me to bring them some of those hot things that Bull keeps devouring.”

“Inquisitor, listen to me. Love, you can do this.”

“Do you believe that?”

“With all of my heart, I’ve believed in you since the day we met. If you could dispatch Chancellor the day we met, you can deal with snooty nobles, okay?” He chuckled, watching a smile start to grow on the Inquisitor’s mouth.

“Okay. Thank you.” She thanked, leaning forward to peck him on the lips before sidestepping out of his hold. “Oh, and don’t forget to save a dance for me.”

“Of course, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading to the end of this self-indulgent piece of trash that I decided to post. It made me really anxious to do so, so I would appreciate any kind of feedback you're willing to give me because this is the first piece of writing I've posted since my trashfics in 2010.  
> Be kind to Neri in anything and she'll appreciate it as much as I will.


End file.
